Fixated and Irate

My ob/gyn prescribed Clomid for me based on the data that I've been dutifully tracking, another round of blood tests, and my long history (6 years) of PCOS. She has significant reservations that I am dropping any quality little eggs at all. :( The Clomid will block estrogen receptors in the brain so the body secretes more of it and other hormones essential to a healthy menstrual cycle. I started it in December and there was a drastic improvement in a few things. For instance, I stopped having epic 2-3 weeks of insaaaaaane PMS symptoms. I had like 2 days of symptoms and they were barely anything! Yay!

The down side? I take the pills from cycle days 3-7... which is during my period... and it shortens my already short fuse to non-existent status and raises my fiery temper to volcanic new heights. I think next month I may do everyone, and my career longevity, a favor and lock myself inside my home on the worse days... Sorry, Will.

I totally snapped at a friend at work... and even though she said it wasn't that bad... I KNOW it was bad because of the way I felt during and after the episode. My heart was beating fast, breathing went short and shallow, and I got fixated and irate. ... and afterwards I felt so guilty. Another friend at work likes to get me worked up for amusement. I usually handle it better, but I almost lost it today. I am on a precipice and I have to tread carefully.

I struggled with intense depression, anxiety, and PTSD through my teens & twenties, and this medication seems to be putting me into a bad emotional state for 5 days out of the month. It's hard for me to see my way out of it, even if it's only momentary.

I talked to my desk neighbor at work today about some of my feelings and issues, and he asked me if I would go see a counselor again. And I responded that... at some point, I've talked to everyone about everything and heard all the tips, tricks, and techniques. I just need to walk the walk.

So... I've dug up my Checklist of Cognitive Distortions that I worked on with my last therapist. I use to possess 7 out of 10 on the list... I'll let you postulate which ones.

1) All-Or-Nothing Thinking
2) Over Generalization
3) Mental Filter
4) Discounting The Positives
5) Jumping to Conclusions
6) Magnification or Minimization
7) Emotional Reasoning
8) SHOULD Statements
9) Labeling
10) Personalization and Blame

Now that I've written them here, I can always pull up this post at work to check myself and make sure I haven't fallen back into bad habits.

So, my mission is to make sure I focus on the mental/emotional aspect of my health during those 5 days. In the equation of "eating, moving, and relaxing my way to good health," I can't ignore one leg of the tripod. Lucky for me, today is Day 5, so I will most likely feel like a million bucks when I wake up tomorrow morning. Good night.